Welcome to my blog, I’m glad to have you here. Well, this post is very informative narrowing on six easy steps I took towards happiness thus winning my life. I must mention that life is so beautiful, especially when you embrace purpose and self-love that I will frequently share on this blog.
Facing Societal Pressure
Bred In the 20th century, a generous behind and a well-sized chest were a sign of promiscuity, according to the community in which I grew up. It was believed that if a young girl was sexually active, her assets would develop quite rapidly. Pretty dumb huh?
Back in my early days being skinny and fair-skinned was the trend. And guess what, I was extremely dark-skinned with a hefty chest and a prominently remarkable behind (I wonder where they’ve all gone to kkk). But that was a source of pain and shame for me. I felt ugly. Yes, I had a pretty face but that meant nothing to me at that time.
According to me, of course, influenced by societal standards, beautiful was slim and fair-skinned. Well, you can’t blame me. I found my older siblings perpetually starving or going on fad diets to stay slim. So I had it in my head that big was not beautiful and I was slightly big for my age group. Moreover, my brother nicknamed me baby elephant so; I was ever on slimming diets.
Dysfunctional Background; Dysfunctional Personality
I was raised in an extremely dysfunctional home; having had to endure sights that an average kid probably will never see in a lifetime, let alone imagine. My upbringing was so tragic and detrimental that I became overly self-conscious.
It’s hard to get into the details of it all but I remember one of our neighbors saying, “If these girls ever get married, I will be shocked beyond endurance”. Thank God her words are nothing but dust. It would be unfair for me to suffer for things I had no control over. However true to her words no one ever dated any of us from our home town. Those that did never stayed.
Ashamed Of Who I Was
In a nutshell, I was ashamed of who I was and where I was from. I often looked in the mirror with detest and simply loathed the image that stared back at me. I walked with my head downcast and often took long cuts to avoid the streets that young people my age used to avoid being seen.
Never Fitting In. Weird?
Honestly, I wasn’t always a loner; I had a group of friends up till the 9th grade. However every time I spent time with them I felt so backward and out of place. They told stories of movies or soap operas that they watched on television that I knew nothing about. They told stories of boyfriends and crushes that I never ever had or experienced. For some reason, I never got stalked by boys the way they did.
I remember writing a letter to my friend in which I told a fake story of how a man I had a crush on had kissed me. My sister found it and my… I’ll never forget that day. I was whipped till my butt throbbed with pain… for what? A made-up story just to get approval and acceptance from my peers! Yep, I did that a lot just to fit in, but eventually, I got myself a name as a liar.
Well with time, I eventually had nothing in common with anyone around me. I couldn’t participate in conversations; not able to narrate an engaging story. I was often called bipolar, weird, boring, fake… and other names I probably never heard to my face. I withdrew completely and thus began my lonely life.
Fortunately, I had something that kept me sane; reading and writing. I lived my teenage fantasies through novels; I could finish two in a day. When at loss of a new book to read, I turned to write my own romance stories.
Sadly, even these got me in my brothers’ and fathers’ black books. They believed I lived the life that I wrote in my books. It hurt to be judged and prejudiced by my family but I never stopped. I lived in my own world of reading and writing and expressing myself through poetry.
At some point, one of my parents left home and I had to drop out of school in the second term of eleventh grade. I later resumed school in the second term of twelfth grade. But during that one year of not being in school and facing agony upon agony from starvation, mental torture to fear, kind of detached me from reality.
Petty Loner With Pessimism Overload
My childhood and teen years impacted really negatively on my life. At nineteen, I was this paranoid, skeptical, over-sensitive, petty loner that complains about everything; and by default capitalized on negatives than positives of situations and people.
If pessimism was a person, that was I. I wasn’t good enough for life, so by default, everything around me really wasn’t good enough. Extremely insecure and battling extreme low self-esteem and low self-worth; I still thought I was ugly and undesirable. Often hiding from society and only surfaced when necessary.
The Bitter Breakup
At twenty one I went through a very bitter breakup that left me in a state of uncertainty and more paranoia. I blamed myself, called myself worthless, and all those other things that come along with self-pity. To me my life was literally over, especially taking into account the circumstances surrounding the breakup.
Well, my life didn’t really end; some knight in shining armor took over from where the other guy left off. Honestly, at that time I really didn’t care what I was doing or what would come out of this other new friendship.
But what I knew was the new guy, who is now my husband, was a stable, reliable, caring, focused, and EXTREMELY patient man. I still think my heart betrayed me over him kkk. I don’t know how he did it but next thing I knew, I was a Mrs. him.
Sorry to burst your bubble but that sweet moment was not the end of my troubles.
Dragging Garbage Into Our Marriage
My husband had it tough for the first few years of marriage. Remember I emphasized patience? I can vote him the world’s most patient man over and over again taking into account what he had to deal with. He needed grace. And he had it. Our marriage had approximately twenty eight very happy days and two or three days of depression.
I had depression episodes about once or twice every single month; I Often cried about who and what I was every now and then; about being a bad person. (I reasoned that for nobody to really want anything to do with me I must really be a bad person). I suffered anxiety and panic attacks very often and he really had to trade softly with me lest I relapsed into a depression episode.
It must have been hell for him. Anyway let me not tell his story, I may underscore his past trying ordeal. But the worst part for him must have been not knowing when or what would trigger the episode. It was like walking on eggshells.
It was in early 2017 that I hit rock bottom. At that time I was working in a high-class health facility which was really busy and demanded hard work. I must mention that when I’m into something, I’m all in. I was determined to achieve certain goals in line with my career. At that time I was a mother of four boys. So I endured the pressure of parenting, of being a wife, of chasing my career and most difficult of all, the pressures of being me.
The depression episodes became more frequent, the more I tried to be normal and fit into the community at work, the more I messed up and failed. I succeeded in forming some personal relationships with peers that I enjoyed for a very short period of time before I messed up again. And sadly, I just couldn’t get it. Somehow, I managed to have at least one misunderstanding with all my thirteen workmates, kkk pretty messed upright?
But one thing I know now is because I had not accepted myself as I was; I found it hard to accept others as they were. Because I viewed myself from a pessimistic viewpoint, it was easy for me to be a fault finder in others. And because I had not learned to forgive myself for my petty insufficiencies, I was extremely petty over the trivial insufficiencies of others. And after one whole year of working at the facility, I felt lonelier than I had when I first joined them.
My turning point was the period that my depression episode lasted more than three weeks. Usually, they lasted for three to four days per month. But this time, I was down for over three weeks and this weighed badly on my husband. And every day was becoming worse until one day I thought to myself how my husband was probably better off without me in his life.
At The Edge
I felt it would be better if I could disappear and never return. Like just end it all. The feelings of worthlessness were so overwhelming that I imagined how my man would be better off with another woman.
I still don’t know how I survived that day upstairs at work but I remember crying alone and repeating one particular plea in prayer over and over again.
I really wanted to know who I was. What I was. Why I functioned the way I did; or thought the way I did. Why was I different? What was wrong with me? What was my purpose in life anyway?
On that very day, I came across The Battle For The Mind on the internet as I sought answers. What I read from there marked my turn around, thus my journey to winning my life. As I continued looking for answers, I discovered that there are actually sixteen personality types.
And no I wasn’t bipolar; I am an INFJ by personality. By the way, people under this personality type are very instrumental, reliable, good people. Yes. I am a good person. Very nice actually.
Good bye Depression
Finally knowing who I was gave me power. I began to work on my strengths and worked to eliminate my weaknesses. That was the last time that I ever had a depression episode. I have survived over two years now without an episode and I must say I have never seen my husband happier or freer with himself. He can look me in the face and tell me what I’m doing is crap without fearing that I may self-harm. And I love that.
This story may be too elaborate for you to relate to, or perhaps this is nothing compared to what you have been through. But whatever it is that you are battling or that you have battled you don’t have to feel alone. And there’s hope. There’s always hope. I reached a point where I felt I’m better off deceased, and yet here I am today. There really is hope.
Six Steps To Happiness
This time I am really happy from within. And my happiness is not conditional. Back in 2017, I remember a workmate asking me, “Tissa, why is it that your happiness is always dependent on something?” those words never left my head till I really knew what she meant.
Today, I am simply happy. And my happiness is not dependent on whether I get a good outing, if a get a gift or if I get my way. I won’t be happy only if the person that I text has returned my message or if I get the reception that I crave. I am simply happy. Once in awhile circumstances pull me down, obviously because I’m still human, but I have learned to take life at its pace, and to get up fast.
Being content is simply being happy with your here and now. Not that I don’t aim higher, oh trust me I do. However, I am still content where I am, with what I have and who I am.
I really wanted three girls and one boy; I got four boys and one girl. That’s still perfection to me. I am happy and extremely content. I’m content with the few connections I have. Definitely I would love more but I don’t suffer for lack of as I used to before.
I Love Myself
Oh, I LOVE who I am. And I strongly feel I have not reached my full potential yet. I love myself, I think I’m a very pretty mom and wife; small in stature for five children but that’s part of the awesome package. I am comfortable in my own skin.
Often I asked myself why I exist if I’m often of no good to those around me, well I now have the answer to that. That which sets you apart defines your purpose. I have embraced my most prominent features to serve a particular purpose which fills me with immense satisfaction and joy.
All that I am is a specific design for what I was created for. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, especially where personal relations are involved. And all those mistakes were because I had missed the whole point. When you find direction and purpose, things that used to seem so big become extremely small.
I Have Peace
My childhood, upbringing, reputation, and everything else that often gave me a shudder when they cross my mind are all behind me. I have learned to forgive and let go. I have forgiven my parents for not giving me an ideal childhood. Most importantly, I have learned to forgive myself for all my past failures and I have found peace.
I’ve Found Belonging Within Myself
I often went to bed in tears almost every day of my teenage life for being weird and unacceptable in most social settings. Feeling that I’m the black spot in the white of society because I couldn’t connect with others often contributed to my depression episodes every month in early adulthood.
To date, most of the people that I have encountered in the past often want nothing to do with me. Plus I often get stereotyped because now I look ten years younger than my actual age making it hard for me to relate with women my age range.
Naturally, that would have sent me into a self-pity party but that’s not me anymore. I have found my place in this world, and I don’t need a crowd to accept me for me to feel worthy. I know I’m worthy whether you tell me or not.
Most importantly, I have taken steps to appreciate those around me right now in all the right ways. I have found belonging right here where I am with the people that love me. As opposed to peaking outside my walls wishing that “cool” person could be my friend.
Never Feel Alone- NEFA
I could write chapters upon chapters about my revelation and emancipation, but I feel I’ve said enough to give you a snippet of what this blog is all about. Please stick around by subscribing to fresh posts in your mail. I will be sharing a lot of quality posts on topics surrounding self-esteem, self-worth, self-love, happiness, contentment, and purpose.
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