Often people say, “I want to marry someone that will make me happy”. But ideally, you must achieve happiness before you find a partner. This post will talk about why you should achieve your own happiness. If you already have a partner, this post is still a must-read.
Are you happy already as a person? Because if you are not and you are waiting for that person to come and do the job, that becomes so unfair and unrealistic. You know so much about you. In fact, you even know the darkest secrets about you that you might probably go to the grave with. You have known yourself ever since you were born. Entrusting another person who just met you or met you a few years ago would be a tad unrealistic and unfair, not so?
How about you find ways to be happy as a person first? Well, this post and many others will definitely guide you on how to be happy and content. So be sure to subscribe if you’re not yet added to my mail list.
Achieve happiness before you find a partner
Ideally, you should look for someone to share happiness with; to walk this life with you. But don’t let your happiness be exclusively dependent on that person. Don’t smoother the person with that task; they too are human, suppose they break? Your happiness should be dependent on you.
Are you an emotional parasite?
So since we have established that you are a nice person, (for you to be on this blog, you must really be a nice person, because nice people aspire for self-improvement). You must start practising weaning yourself emotionally if you are an emotional parasite. I’ve been there, and I saw how much pressure I had placed on my partner.
What is an emotional parasite?
I guess you remember what a parasite is, only add the emotional to it. In a nutshell, this is someone who feeds off another person emotionally, rarely giving back as they take. The problem with being emotionally dependent on someone is that for starters, that person knows that your happiness depends on them. Depending on what kind of person your partner is, two things may happen;
- He/she loves you so much that living with you becomes like walking on eggshells. In the sense that they must trade softly least, you crumble but they endure. Now, this in itself is torture and really tiring. You may also force your partner to pretend that things are OK just to make you happy. Years later, your partner may leave because of sheer exhaustion and embark on a quest to enjoy life away from you. They simply get drained.
- They may fail to endure and go their way leaving you thinking you are impossible to be with. Not really, you have not just mastered the art of filling the cup from which you drink.
- If your partner is a callous rogue, he will play you in such a way that you will know more sadness and pain. Because while you feel you cannot be happy without them, they take advantage of that by making you dance to their every whim. Literally pushing you around and making you feel the gravity of your dependence on them.
Two reasons why you must achieve happiness before you find a partner
If you base your happiness on a person even if it is your partner, you are endangering yourself. If life happens to them in the harshest or most typical ways, that may be the end of life for you as you know it.
A human being is what he is; human
While you have based your happiness on that person or partner, he/she is being drained. Definitely not superhuman, he/she can only go so far. Years later, you will hurt to realize that the person you love so much lived his/her life at your terms, in your shoes, at your command. And that makes him a puppet while it makes you selfish and self-centred. And I know that you are neither of those things. You just want to be happy.
But the reality is that your partner will have to be a certain way to suit your expectations or the values that make you happy. In the long run, you don’t really know that person. What you know is the hero that you want to see. And the day that he/she would have had enough, you will be like, “you have changed!”
No, they didn’t change; they just had enough of living life under your shadow.
Your partner facilitated your healing? Take your feet now.
Now some cases are unique. For instance, you were broken somehow, and then this good person comes your way. Helps you get fixed and makes you smile. Well, that is a good thing. Actually, that is my story somehow. Good for you that you have found this blog post because now you know the dangers of being an emotional parasite.
If healing and restoration have truly occurred, you can relieve your partner by repossessing the responsibility to make yourself happy. I’m not saying that you disregard your partner no. But be aware of them as a person who also wants to be happy. It doesn’t mean that it is their responsibility for the rest of their lives. Remember the role of a catalyst in a chemical reaction?
Your partner was simply a catalyst. After necessitating the process, you should continue to sustain yourself.
I often give an example of myself, especially when I don’t have any other real-life illustration. So to help you understand my point, I’ll bring out three cardinal points through a summary of my story.
My partner found me broken when I ask him today if he got up and said, “I’m going to look for a broken person to make a wife”, his answer is no! Point one; he was equally a person looking for love and someone to complete him.
Broken, unhappy and unsatisfied with my life, I had lost touch of who I was. Point two; he saw beyond my pain and saw this nice person (according to him) locked in a cloak of pain and he took a chance hoping to bring joy back into my life, thus find a happy loving wife to complete him.
Honestly, I became too comfortable; having this man living his life for me. On the verge of forgetting that he was a human being just like me looking for happiness and contentment; the realization that I was slowly becoming a burden hit me. so Point three;
Number one strategy was to start taking deliberate steps to help him achieve his dreams and personal happiness goals.
I embarked on a self-discovery quest.
I remembered all those things that defined me and used to make me happy before such as writing, cooking and other things. And allowed myself to find joy in them again. It did not only help me to find real peace and contentment, it also gave my partner what he had wanted as a reward for fixing a broken toy. And that is a partner that can love him and be happy with him.
Points to remember as you achieve happiness before you find a partner
Point one; Your partner is equally looking for happiness and contentment, you can also be a catalyst in his life.
Point two; It is not your broken or unhappy state that makes your partner happy and content. It’s the lovely character that he/she had noticed hidden in you that they want to dig out. Bring them out.
Point three; Do not get too comfortable with someone having to make you feel happy all the time. Reciprocate. To be the person that your partner needs, re-discover yourself, and pursue personal goals and dreams. Stay happy even without exhausting your partner whilst trying so hard.
Now you should understand that once in a while life happens and that happiness can be momentarily shaken. But personally make efforts to rise after a fall.
Avoid making your happiness conditional. For instance saying, “I can only be happy if I got married”. Suppose it is not your destiny to marry? Does that mean you can never be happy? Or suppose you’re destined to be married at 40 and you’re only 23. Does that mean for the next 17 years you will be unhappy? Why can’t you be happy where you are right now?
Ambition is not wrong but it should not be a condition for your happiness. For instance, you dream of building a house; or becoming influential in society. That is a healthy ambition but it does not mean you can’t be happy if you don’t achieve those things. Stronger ambitions often build on top of the previous.
After attaining your dream house you will aspire for something bigger. Meaning every time you will feel like your happiness will only be achieved by the acquisition of those things and more things after those. Sadly, you’re likely to age an unhappy unsatisfied person.
If you learn to be satisfied with what you have and where you are, happiness will be easier to achieve. Like I said, ambition is good. Being content doesn’t mean you don’t aim higher. It means you are happy with the way things are in your life and you are still motivated enough to pursue change. However, that change is not a condition for your happiness.
Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed this post. I would love to hear and learn from you. Please share your thoughts below, subscribe and remember to stay happy.